dream

“It all seems like a dream”, I heard ma saying, when we were watching the photo albums.
I came to Delhi for the search of a job, and so it seemed, like yesterday, and like a dream. And I never knew I would change so much, a change like a chemical reaction. It was like vulcanization. A process to harden natural rubber, doping it with impurities, usually sulphur, because natural rubber is soft and of no commercial value. Only problem with vulcanization, its irreversible.
I was thought be impractical, not fit for the world, because the supposed qualification to fit in this world is to dupe the people who trust you.
Words fail me, thoughts run away from me, and once you have used your quota of words, one cannot ask for more words. For while playing with words I come across some sentences, they are thrown from the unknown directions of cosmos. We all are showered with the rains of advice, or SMS in newer avatar. Wonderful they are, for they conjure up a image that is fit with the life we live. A movie reminded me something a few days back, I wish to end this blog-post with the realization.
I have been wrong, and my personal opinion goes to add that wrong should not exist. But if a person is wrong, he cannot be eliminated, rather the identity which is thought to be wrong should be eliminated. Period.

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing - Edmund Burke"

fever

I was not afraid of insanity or madness, it runs in my family, its only a matter of time that it will catch with me.
Was it illusion, illusions, delusions or dementia? A constant state of mind in suspension, but seemed more real. Madness or truth, its debate time immortal. What I see, I cannot perceive. That is why these words come to me.
Dissecting each thought, each action is more harder, and the corpse of thoughts that lie after this is more dreadful, more difficult to clean. Blood on my hands, I am helpless. We are not discussing theology, philosophy, or other worldliness. My words are the my actions in papers. All this is past, but past keeps happening in paper, in our thoughts, in the mind, whoever reads them, thinks them, feels it.
Again, it is receding from me, my suspension in time, I am coming back to today. Goodbye the illusions, welcome the world!

rains

Rain, or rather rains filled all the Delhi, all the roads, all the view from the cabs window, and my memories. Sky, from blue had taken all the colors of black… grey, silver, dark and the color of drizzle. What I was seeing was not very far from me, a world so near and yet so distant. A world moving so fast and yet so still. Cab was running faster than thoughts, faster than the near and far world.
Rains are so much related with memories, I thought so hard but could not find the reason why summer, winter, spring are not associated with it. Strange!
It was all grey, the world outside and inside..It poured heavily. What was I thinking? Nothing. I never had the power to think. To think, body has to undergo a lot of chemical reactions, and of course a lot of brainy stuff plus what not! And I had none, no capacity to think, let even contain myself, my thoughts.
Every drop is added to the puddle of water lying everywhere. A dry road would first turn dark when first shower comes. Slowly it starts flowing and then it has collected on some place where it would find some space. What am I talking? Water, of course. And then more would come, filling up every nook and corner. It is so demanding, that until you are not drenched up, or at least wet, wet to your soul, till than it would not stop. And once you have felt it. It will come again for you. And second time its more harder. This time nobody escapes. And than it will come over and over again, until it is not satisfied.
Have you every had a vision? Go on top of a building, a high-rise in your town. From the roof you should be able to see whole of the city on clear night. Now go to that roof-top on a day when it has rained for days, and it is still raining, raining heavily. Please do not take any raincoats, umbrella or ant other protection, this can seriously harm you. Any attempt with raincoats etc is insanity. Reach for the edge, let the monsoon be in you, feel the cold water in every bone, in every shiver you feel. Let every drop hit you, let every cloud to get inside you breath, you lungs, your body. Now see the world. Remember the rains should be very heavy, else you will lose everything. Now did you see the world. What is it? Grey? An outline of everything? No definite images? And what do we feel? Cold? Shiver? No, this is what I call vision, nothing definite, but cold, not rational, but still in front of you, on the edge.

...the best time to visit Kumaon is...

the best time to visit Kumaon is,
whenever your heart yearns for it...
its always a call, which is impossible to ignore..
so whatever the season, whatever the time
follow your heart, and then you will find
the beauty, the joy, the nature,
and all that, that cannot be captured,
in words, in camera,
and a love that is endless...
...and which is from eternity

and then He wispered..

and then He whispered to me,

you will find me in next turn,

and so i journeyed on.....

all there was the silence

and then there was tranquility

a path to clouds

a bell, for a wish, Ghorakhal

from the oaks

crossing the river

an unknown path

few drops of rain

....trap of inevitability...

Trap of inevitability

Dreams, thoughts, actions, reactions, desires, and all that
are not by circumstances or choice,
try and imagine something and everything
you will fall in trap of inevitability.
See, foresee, predict, find or choose
we are left with no choice of will,
you are just a inch away from its reach
try and struggle, but you cannot escape
what’s inevitable, will be you…
for you too are its form
and you too are ….inevitable..

My search for the meaning of things or life

We all should have questions, we all should seek answers for them.
My search for the meaning of things or life, as we call it, from things or life (as we call it), from meanings, from meaningless left me no wise. Everything was perfect, picture perfect, or seemed. But this was not what is sought, neti-neti. Then what is it that I seek, actually I am sucked by this “I”, so as time passes, its not “seeking” that I am after, rather “I” that is seeking itself in all manifestation, it’s the search, searching itself, it’s the seeker. All by itself, all for himself, what a pity, what a waste……..
I was in hurry, I ran, fast forwarded myself, was taken in by work, took all the load that I could not bear, sustained. Saw everything pass by me, maybe I ignored everything, everybody. May be I was wrong, may be not, it all depends on how one sees. Everything I did, I said was wrong, was right.
And then one day I felt like taking rest, took a deep breath, and thought about resting, lazing around. Wanted to speak to somebody, wanted something I haven’t experienced for long. There are times when everything might seem ok but one feels confused and then at next moment or there is a flash, a thought, when everything becomes clear, and in this moment everything was in front of me, the thought was lying before me.
And then I realized I was alone, and I took a deep breath….

little cattiiee...meow..

My Alter Ego

It was draining out of my mind

It was draining out of my mind, my thoughts, my ideas. Oozing out, and would you believe me it was like downpour, obstructing my vision, a thin film, like that of water, coming in front of my eyes. Hazy outlook, poor vision. This rundown of thoughts, came to even surround all my senses, couldn’t hear what they are saying, I am unable to breath, its all inside me. It might seem impossible to you when you first hear it, but so it is.
I close my eyes, my heart beats. I try to hear, grasp for breath. Nothing happens. Perhaps I am still alive.
The problem with me, you know, is that I have an inferiority complex. I have tried to read my thoughts. It has been happening for a long time, a very simple, fairly possible event, which we all might discard as an attempt of an insane mind to prove his sanity. But believe me, neither I am insane, nor what I am going to tell is not impossible.
To start with, let me make it clear, I live life very passively. I let it all that happen with me or my surroundings. I never try to alter or construct any event. That is, I am like the chemical compound participating only in the reaction. A compound is composed of element, but the compound does not seek for its elements. Nor it thinks if it has the option to participate or do not participate in the reaction, it simply is present in the reactions, and may give desired result as per the conditions.
Next, another confession, I am not one, but closely living two person. One, who is living in this world doing all the things that this world demands, that is me for this world. He is partly the person, that I would be truly love to be, but you see, he is exactly the person who is having the complex. So there came another me within me, who has nothing for this universe. Nothing holds him, he is not bound by this world, in fact he not from or for this world. He is the one who keeps on observing me from outside, as soon as I speak, he listens to me. Whenever I see anything, I might evaluate or analyze, but he just looks on. He never participates but watches, sees, hear….
All my happiness, dreams, ecstasies, boredom, loneliness is subjected to scrutiny, albeit without comment. His observation alone has changed me, I try to figure out what he is upto, what he is to me, actually why he is there? But since he is of no use, for he would never speak, forget about answering, so there is more burden on my shoulders to solve the puzzle. And this one riddle leads to another, casting a web around my life, and he simply watches me, no expressions on his face, no comments to spare. Now something about me, as these notes are about me only, so lets not talk about him,

No Silver Lines

Trance

All these times I promised myself that relations are root to all problems, and vowed never to be in them, whatever they may be. My existing relations are my duties. Of all the people, it was me who broke his vow and is avenged by it.
The suffering is not the loneliness that comes now, because when you are alone you do not know is loneliness. But only once you have experienced a promise, walked few steps with someone, you realize what is loneliness. And now I feel the importance of my promise to myself to live alone. Till now it was empty, I never knew what is loneliness, now its complete. Now there is no grief, but a plain truth, and this truth should hold me, this is nearer to my heart. Although what could have been near to my heart is lost.
The suffering is not that I have to suffer, but that I could not keep my promise to myself. Having selected the title six month back, I was watching the things to come to this result and complete this chapter. But is it complete yet? He keeps playing….
Trance can only be followed by neurosis, senseless and sense do make some sense. I was never given a choice, things came to me and I accepted them, this was my problem. I should have exercised my choice, and it should have been clear to me, my only promise to myself.
He has a complex mind, and He plays his game slowly, I am also loving it, but my only wish He can keep me going, like the way He has done till now, with my head kept high. I would not mind my other half, my trance coming again to hold me forth.